Coffee Break
by Airsay
Summary: Set after 1x09. Barry realizes he hasn't once spoken about Ronnie with Caitlin.


**This is the English translation of my story _Pause café_ and if you can read French I suggest you read that one, since English isn't my first language. I apologize for any remaining mistakes. **

**I don't own The Flash, sadly. **

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><p>The Christmas party at the West house was, strangely enough, both a success and a failure for Barry. After such gruelling weeks, an evening in good company was all he could have hoped for. The presence of his adopted family and his new friends warmed his heart. However, the same heart was on the verge of implosion: every smile from Iris, though beautiful, had the effect of a punch in the guts.<p>

Lying in is bed after the party is over, Barry doesn't know if he would keep a good memory of this Christmas party or a very bad one. He finally fells asleep with one last thought: whatever happens now, he would at least be surrounded by friends for life and was finally honest with her best friend on a secret guarded for far too long. He is still hiding things from her of course, but she knows the truth about his feelings and that's, for now, the most important. Ultimately, confessing his love for Iris was a relief for Barry. His torment mainly comes from Iris' silence right after his speech and then again at the party. He wasn't expecting her to say it back but at least to say something, anything really. The looks they exchanged at the party could mean so many things: _your speech confused me Barry and I don't know how to talk to you anymore_, or _I love you like a brother Barry, how could you even think of me this way? Why would you ruin our friendship? _Ok so maybe silence wasn't worse than his imagination, but it hurts just the same.

When the fastest man alive wakes up the next day, his first thought is for Iris and he wants to slap himself. He needs to think about something else, or someone else. The Man in the yellow suit who killed his mother 14 years ago and is now back in town comes to mind. That other speedster would have killed him if a real life human torch hadn't saved him just in time, a human torch who happened to be Caitlin's _not so dead _fiancé, Ronnie. Now that he thinks about it, he realizes that after everything that happened that day, he hasn't thought about Ronnie that much. Cisco had told him about his and Caitlin's little adventure to find their friend but that was it, he didn't even talked about it with Caitlin. He wants to slap himself again now. He keeps thinking about how Cisco and Caitlin are being amazing friends to him, but is _he _a good friend to them? Well, he knows he's for Cisco. The two young men became friends for life after a few hours and it doesn't take much to keep their friendship alive: talks about cool stuff, experiences about cool stuff, hanging out after doing some cool stuff... On the other hand with Caitlin, it took them a little while longer to be comfortable around one another. They got to really know each other little by little, Caitlin learning more about Barry since he is always speaking and rambling about everything and anything, and Barry learning more about her when he manages to get her to talk as well, or just by observing her. In the end, their friendship seems just as strong as the one he has with Cisco. Yet this morning in his bed, Barry feels bad about not having engaged Caitlin in a conversation about Ronnie. He can't even begin to imagine how she must feel. Now he knows what to do with his morning.

Quickly dressed, he grabs his phone and texts Caitlin: « Hey, what's up? Wanna get a coffee? » While waiting for an answer, the young man looks at his snow-covered city through the window, glad that even criminals seem to have a Christmas spirit this morning. A _bip_ informs him of a new text: "I'm at the lab, coffee sounds nice." Barry is only surprised for a second that she's there and on the next one he's on his way. Despite all the events since he woke up from the coma, he still loves feeling the wind against his skin while he runs through the motionless city at hundred of miles per hour.

With a _whoosh_ Barry enters the lab, scanning the room for his friend. She's at her desk, tablet in hand and eyes rising to meet his. « Hello Barry. » She greets him with a smile while standing up.

« Hi, and Merry Christmas again Caitlin. » He grins back at her. They stare at each other for a few seconds before Barry frowns. « Hey, why are you at the lab when you have the day off anyway? »

« I wanted to get some work done for once. » She teases him before quickly adding: « But I could really use some good company and good coffee. » Caitlin had foreseen good-guy-Barry Allen apologizing for disturbing her as soon as she said her first sentence. The wide smile spreading on her friend's face just confirms her thought. They decide on going to a Starbucks, Barry not wanting to go to Jitters for some reason.

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><p>« We'd already be sitting there, hot coffee in hands. » Barry mumbles a few minutes later. Caitlin had insisted they walk to the coffee shop since it's not far from the Lab. However, over the last few months Barry had started to use his powers to go everywhere, and therefore hadn't bothered to get his winter clothing out of the closet, running around town faster than the speed of sound keeping him warm anyway. Until a certain Dr. Snow decided to <em>walk<em>.

« It's nice to just walk from time to time, Barry. » Caitlin states matter-of-factly.

« Says the person without powers… » The speedster murmurs just loud enough for a friend to hear. She responds only with a chuckle and bumps her shoulder against his. Barry looks down at her face for a little more than a second, glad he thought about her this morning. It's then he remembers _why _he thought about her. Unsure how to start, he speaks with a small voice, eyes now staring at the ground. « Uh… Caitlin? »

« Yes? ». Caitlin looks up to meet her friend's eyes and notices his frown. She stops instantaneously and takes his arm, making him stop as well. « Barry, what's wrong? » She scans his face looking for clues but can't say whether he is worried, embarrassed or scared. Barry finally looks up towards her, a little impressed that his friend can so easily detect when something is wrong with him.

« Well… I – I sense I haven't been a great friend to you lately. » Barry starts hesitantly, gazing back to the ground. Seeing Caitlin ready to protest, he quickly continues. « Not only did you find out that Ronnie is still alive, but also that the explosion changed him in such a way he isn't _your _Ronnie anymore… I can't even imagine what's going in this pretty head of yours right now. And I should have asked you, but with everything that was happening… »

« Barry. » Caitlin interjects firmly. The young man gazes at her and wants to speak again but this time she's faster than him. « Like you said, so much happened these last few days… I don't even know where to begin. The man who murdered your mother in front of you 14 years ago came back only to haunt you and has, only God knows how, the same powers you got only months ago. Your father is still in jail because of him and that man even went after the Wests… And even though you didn't talk about it, I'm pretty sure something happened with Iris. Don't you worry about me Barry Allen, you have enough on your mind as it is. » Caitlin tries to add a reassuring smile to her speech but Barry can see the sorrow slowly invading her eyes as she thinks about Ronnie. He blames himself for bringing him up but knows they needed to talk about it at some point.

« You just confirmed me how blind and stupid I've been lately, Caitlin. » Barry sighs. Seeing her friend's frown he continues: « You know about all my problems, even the ones I didn't say a word about… And because it's not everyday that I can say that, I must inform you that you are wrong Dr Snow. I should have asked you how you were the minute Ronnie showed up in front of me, especially since it was to save my life. And even if I was busy, you and Cisco should have told me about your little adventure at the mall, it was dangerous. I would have been there for you, you know that, right? » He finishes his own speech with more assurance than when he started it. Despite the tears in her eyes, Barry can see a small smile making its way on Caitlin's lips. It's then he finally asks the question he should have asked before: « How are you, Cait? Really? »

Before she answers, the scientist takes a moment to think and it's her turn to look at the ground, apparently very fascinating today. She first decides to start walking again, joining her arm to his. Barry lets her take all the time she needs and only look back at her when she beings talking. « I think… I think I don't even know how to answer that. » Caitlin says with a nervous laugh. But she soon continues. « I was grieving for so long, maybe too long, I don't know, and I was finally starting to accept his death, you know? Life wasn't as bad as it used to be. And now, now I'm back to day 1. Seeing him again, seeing him again _like this_, it's just like loosing him all over again. » She stops a few seconds, catching her breath, but it seems she wants to say everything now, like she won't have another chance. Barry can only listen and tighten his hold on her arm. « It's like he's back in the particle accelerator and I'm on the other side of the door, except this time there's no actual door. He's here and yet he's gone, if that makes any sense at all. Barry, am I making any sense right now? » She asks, worried.

Barry doesn't immediately know what to say. In a normal world she would sounds like an insane person but their world was everything _but_ normal. « Yeah you are. » He finally says. « I get it, Caitlin. And I'm really sorry. Sorry you feel so lost, sorry I wasn't there for you before… Maybe I shouldn't have talked about it at all. » He says the last sentence after seeing a tear on his friend's cheek, reddened by the cold. But Caitlin surprises him when she smiles. It's his turn to feel lost.

« Gosh Barry, will you stop apologizing, please? I think I needed this, so thank you. As sad as it may sound, you and I both know what it is to loose someone as suddenly and tragically, without having the time to even say goodbye… And because we do, I know you understand and I hope you know I'm here for you too. » Caitlin's sad smile is contagious and Barry gives in, sending her one of his own. He isn't sure when he became the one in need of reassurance, but Barry has to admit that she's right. They have a lot in common, but their friendship was born from that shared knowledge of loss. He can actually see in his mind the moment they became so close: in the same place she had lost the love of her life, Caitlin had let her guard down just long enough for him to connect with her. They truly became friends that day, and the thought brings a sincere smile on Barry's lips. Like she's reading his mind, Caitlin grins back at him.

They are still walking arm in arm when Barry suddenly stops and gazes at their surrounding. « I think we missed the Starbucks. » Caitlin looks around as well and see he's indeed correct. Their eyes meet and their laughter starts at the same moment. « No discussion this time ». Barry grins and Caitlin barely has time to register what he just said that she feels her feet leaving solid ground. Half a second later later they are standing in the alley next to the Starbucks, Barry smirking like he loves to and Caitlin rolling her eyes at his smirk like she just loves doing as well. She doesn't even bother to complain since he would probably enjoy the moment even more so if she did. He leads them toward the entrance with his hand on her back.

At last safe from the December wind, Barry sighs in relief as they get their coffees, which is actually hot chocolate for his friend – _at least she was cold too_, he thinks childishly. He knows they are not done talking about Ronnie and everything else that happened lately, but right now he feels way better than he did last night and he can see Caitlin more at ease. As their conversation continues, he thinks back at the last year in the back of his mind. Even though he spent nine months out of twelve in a coma, 2014 has been the most crazy, amazing and dreadful year of his life so far. He faced the impossible he had been searching for his whole life and actually _became_ the impossible. New enemies seemed to appear with each new week. His father spent yet another year in jail for a crime he did not commit. The man who murdered his mother in front him was back in town and introduced himself as The Flash's arch-nemesis, like if Barry had known him for years. His relationship with Iris had suffered from his new life – and hers – and after his confession, Barry could not even say where they stand. However despite everything bad that had happened, if Barry was asked today, he'd say it's been the best year of his life. He loves being the Flash, he loves everything about it, including the friends he made along the way. Without them, Barry would have probably end up dead in a week after waking up from his coma with super-speed, whether it'd been at the hands of the first metahuman he met or from hypoglycaemia.

Sitting across from Caitlin, Barry can't stop himself from thinking how happy he is he has _her_ in his life. He knows he can be himself in front of her and talk to her about anything, and he likes to think she can too. God knows they will both need someone who can in the upcoming year.

Barry smiles. They're talking about grief and sorrow, but he smiles. And she smiles back, because she understands why he does.

**Fin**


End file.
